Suleiman the Magnificent

Say what you like about Suleiman the Magnificent but his headgear (see right) was amazing. As was his poetry, which is not something you’d normally expect from someone with such a big empire to look after. He had a way with words and looked good in a hat - things which are today widely considered to be mutually exclusive.

Below is a poem he wrote hundreds of years ago for his one true love. I think you will agree that it’s the very essence of romance and shits all over 99% of modern love songs. Especially the ones written for models by formerly-good indie bands.

Anyway:

Throne of my lonely niche, my wealth, my love, my moonlight

My most sincere friend, my confidant, my very existence, my Sultan

The most beautiful among the beautiful...

My springtime, my merry faced love, my daytime, my sweetheart, laughing leaf...

My plants, my sweet, my rose, the one only who does not distress me in this world...

My Istanbul, my Caraman, the earth of my Anatolia

My Badakhshan, my Baghdad and Khorasan

My woman of the beautiful hair, my love of the slanted brow, my love of eyes full of mischief...

I'll sing your praises always

I, lover of the tormented heart, Muhibbi of the eyes full of tears, I am happy.

Muhibbi was his pen name, FYI.

Obviously the best lines are the second and the third, closely followed by the second half of line five. The bit where he says, “I’ll sing your praises always” is quite nice too.

The line about Baghdad would have been a lot more complimentary when he wrote it; before “the coalition“ went and bombed it up. How insulting the implications of such a line would be today: “My Darling, you’re a bombsite”. They say ancient Iraq was one of the most beautiful places of all time. The Hanging Gardens of Babylon were there, so it must have been pretty fucking special.

Come to think of it, so must the girl.

x

I Scream, You Scream (and so on...)

Do you like Smarties? Do you like ice-cream? Do you like secretly getting a bit turned on when you eat? Then may I heartily recommend Smarties Ice-Cream, truly the current king of frozen ices. I had about half a tub of the stuff last week. It is amazing. Do you know what Morrisons don’t sell? Smarties Ice-Cream. The bastards.

A Joke!!!1!

Q: Why did Bob the Builder ditch the bling and give up the rap game?
A: He was fed up of all the gold diggers!


OMG, etc.

It's a Stitch Up!

A hidden-camera practical joke show where the stars are all children might sound like the worst idea since slavery, but when that show happens to be CBBC's ‘Stitch Up’ such prejudices quickly prove to be unfounded.

Basically it involves a group of kids going around playing stupid tricks on people, for their own sick kicks. It’s a bit like something Jeremy Beadle might have done, but without the withered hand. Or the beard.

What makes it so good is that the stunts are just silly, with not a hint of malice aimed at the participants, unlike the melee of “OMG DA PUBLIC R SO FUCKIN STUPID LET‘S MESS THEIR SHIT UP COS THEY OBJECT 2 SEX IN PUBLIC AND DON‘T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE A CELEBRITY!!!!!11”-type shows that have sprung up post-Trigger Happy.

For this reason alone, ‘Stitch Up’ towers head and shoulders over cretinous bollocks like ‘Balls of Steel’ (which is basically an exercise in being nasty to strangers, and remains the absolute worst programme on television).

Wise Man Say

A phone with a broken screen is like a microwave that doesn’t cook your food properly: heartbreaking and dangerous.

Hello!

Welcome to this. Make yourself comfortable. Have a drink. Don't go messing up the carpets with those fucking Converse boots of yours, mind. In fact, can we have shoes off please? I hate that rule, but I think I'm going to have to impose it here. Enjoy the nibbles. x